Wednesday, January 30, 2013

We don't get to choose our crosses

Life is a vale of tears someone once said. Not sure who...but I know someone once said that.  Heck..I just said that counts, right?

Life became a lot easier once I was able to accept that it's not supposed to be easy..  It took awhile.  It took a lot of suffering.  It took a lot of crying and mental temper tantruming and "why me, God."  But, accepting that life is just plain tough, was the first baby step towards greater spiritual maturity,.  Not that I'm spiritually mature or anything...I think it might have just bumped me up from a spiritual newborn to a  slightly older from a 1-day old baby to a 1-week old baby...and even that may be overly generous.

We've had a difficult past couple of years.  Not super hard or terrible or anything..but difficult.  Dealing with unemployment and underemployment and then my husband deciding to move us all 1400 miles south to attend law school has not been easy.  At some of the worst times, I was so tempted to think that other people's crosses were  not as hard.   I was tempted to think, I'd rather be dealing with your X than my Y.   Which was a totally immature, selfish way to think, because no doubt, if I was dealing with Y, I'd think I would prefer X.

This past summer I had a scare..a major scare...the big C scare.  After about a month of worrying and stress (and oh..the stress was awful, totally completely awful) and depression and anxiety, and way, way, way too much time on google...the biopsy came back normal and all was well.  But, it was scary, it was really, really scary and being pregnant made it all the scarier. I was so weak under that stress...I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to see anyone.  Just going on with daily life was a struggle.

But, I also learned a lot from that month.  I learned to try to rely on God more.  I learned that I can't give in to anxiety and fear and depression.   I learned to rely on my husband just a bit more.  And, I'd like to think that I learned to appreciate the really important things in life children, my husband, my family.  Not to say that I haven't forgotten those lessons at times...I have.  But, I still have the memory of that month, that awful, scary month to remind me of "what almost was" and to try to hold fast to God. To remind me that life will not always be easy, at times it will be downright painful...but all I can do is trust God and forge on.
I also learned that we don't get to choose our crosses.  We don't get to say...I'll take this cross, God..but not that one.  I'll suffer through this...but not that.   God knows exactly what we need.   They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  But, sometimes I think God wants to stretch us a little increase our burden just a bit, to make us stronger.   But, the learning curve is painful..oh so painful sometimes.  Sometimes, all we can do is just grit our teeth, throw up our hands and pray.

Jesus, I trust in you.  

 I've heard people talk about choosing a word for 2013...and focusing on that word. .My word is trust.   2013 promises to be another stressful year...what with Ben graduating from law school and job searching and moving and taking the bar and all that jazz.  So.. 

Jesus, I trust in you.


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