Wednesday, November 26, 2014

How to Be a Miserable Person and Ruin Family Relationships This Thankgsiving in THREE Easy Steps


Thanksgiving is coming.  The time of year when families get together, gluttony is practiced and tempers flair.

Do you hate happy family gatherings?  

Do you WANT to have strained relationships with your relatives?

Does nothing infuriate you more than people that get along?

Well..I have the solution for YOU. 

Here is how YOU TOO can have strained family relations and make everyone else miserable this Thanksgiving and Christmas and the WHOLE COMING YEAR.

Step One: Take Offense At EVERYTHING. 

Step Two: Hold Grudges Like Forever.

Step Three: See Judgement Everywhere.

A Family Member Near or Far Didn't Wish You Happy Birthday 5 Months Ago.  Definitely take offense and hold that against them.

You aren't able to breastfeed, but your sister/cousin nurses her baby everywhere. Clearly she is just doing it AT you to show how superior she is.  Take offense and hold a grudge.

Uncle Lorenzo mentions how much he loves Politician Corrrupto.   Clearly he is just saying that because he knows how much you HATE Politician Corrupto.  Take offense and hold a grudge.

Five years ago your cousin said something that hurt your feelings.  DEFINITELY hold it against them..for at least the next five years.

You didn't get a Christmas card last year from your brother-in-law-in-law-in-law.  That is for sure a slight...hold it against them!

Three years ago your niece called you to wish you happy birthday but their spouse couldn't talk to you because they were on the way out the door to someplace that they should have left 10 minutes ago.  DEFINITELY take offense and hold it against them for the next three years...if not five. 


Your fifth cousin 27 times removed posted something on Facebook which you vehemently disagree with.  Clearly you should NEVER talk to them again.  Never, ever, ever, ever. 

You sister parents differently from you. Clearly that means you can NEVER get along Those wild hellions are allowed to NOT finish their plate..and every time that happens a butterfly in China dies.  So, just avoid them until she comes around to your way of thinking.   

And BE SURE to incite the mommy-wars by being POSITIVE that your natural-birthing, breastfeeding, organic-food eating, attachment-parenting sister is DEFINTIELY judging you for your different choices. Definitely!!

Oh...and if someone has a different religion than you.  They probably hate you....so just go ahead and hate them first. Totally!!

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Or you can do none of these things and have a Happy Thanksgiving.  Your choice.




Happy Thanksgiving!!!




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6 comments:

  1. Love this!!!

    And yes, EAT ALL THE FOODS! That's my plan anyway!

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  2. Hilarious! Thanks for sharing. I will be welcoming 16 to dinner tomorrow- should I send this out in advance?

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  3. Love it! :D Happy Thanksgiving, Amelia!

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  4. Haha - did you call up my sister and ask what she does every year? One time she got mad at me because my husband scoffed at something she said and I didn't say anything - I found out when she was bringing it up six months later in the middle of a phone call about Christmas plans.

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  5. I'm dying with laughter right now. I know sooo many people who hold grudges like this, too. But to me the "better"(by which I mean "more obnoxious") guests are the ones that have chosen a different path in life -- y'know, veganism, atheism, bigamy, that kind of thing -- who sit around telling you why your traditions are silly/morally irresponsible and etc.

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