Tuesday, March 24, 2015

So I think God spoke to me

I went on our Diocesan Woman's retreat this past Saturday.  It was just a one day thing.   My mom asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes. 

I wasn't really thinking about the retreat itself.  All I could think was. 

A whole day out of my house without my kids. Sign me up. 

I love my kids, but I hate my house, so I'm up for any excuse to get out of it. 

Anyway, I hadn't really thought about what would happen at the retreat.

It never occurred to me that the retreat would involve lots of quiet prayer time.  Why I was so dense as to not realize that a Catholic women's retreat would involve prayer, I have no idea. 

Anyway, the retreat involved lots of prayer.  Which I have been lacking.  You see....I'm been sorta mad at God lately.  Okay...very mad.  He wasn't doing what I wanted him to be doing.   So, I haven't been praying too much.  You see God hasn't been answering my prayers. 

I'm not a saint.  I'm not one of those people can be naturally cheerful and happy in times of distress.   I'm not someone whose faith never wavers.  If I were to die, I'm pretty sure there would be no glowing eulogies about me. 

I'm really struggled with our whole situation these past few months.  REALLY struggled.  REALLY, REALLY struggled.  More than the situation warranted.  Because really, things could be much, much worse. 

So, while I found the retreat to be quiet and peaceful, I didn't feel like it was this great connecting experience with God. 

Until the end.  At the end they had  Eucharistic Adoration.  And the leader said something like "Ask God what he wants to tell you."

So I did that.  Rather grudgingly I might add.  It wasn't a prayerful asking.  It was more like

Fine, God, what do you want to tell me?  I was mentally stamping my foot, rolling my eyes and pouting too.

The answer was NOT what I expected.  I was hoping for some sort of clear direction.  Like....go to this town.  Or look for houses here.  Or next Monday, your husband will land the perfect job and everything will be great. 

THAT did not happen. 

Instead, this is what God said to me. 

You are worthy. 

And then it hit me.  The reason I felt so depressed and frantic and desperate about our situation.   The reason I was so frantic for it to change, for my husband to find a good job, for us to get on our feet again. 

It was because I felt worthless.  Worthless.  You see for the past several months, we've only been making it with a lot of assistance and help.  That made me feel worthless.  We aren't able to give any money to charity.  We basically are the charity.  

Yes, I was worried about money....but somehow we usually seemed to have enough.   Yes, I wanted to be settled down, but I  can deal with moving. I can even deal with struggling financially. 

But what I can't deal with, is feeling worthless. 

What I really wanted, what I was so desperate for,  was the sense of self-worth that comes from being self-reliant. So, what really took a hit was my self-esteem and sense of self-worth.   And, THAT was what was so hard. 

Once I realized that, something changed. I no longer feel so frantic for change.  

We're working on bettering our situation and that is the best we can do.  It doesn't have to happen tomorrow. It's okay to still need help a little while longer. 

Being poor does not equate to being worthless. 

Society would make you think it does.  Society tells us that our only value
comes from what we look like or how much money we make.   And, I had fallen prey to that. 

So, I was depressed and frantic to regain my worth in the eyes of society. 

You would think I would be smarter than that.  Apparently not. 

Maybe you feel worthless about some situation in your life as well. 

Well..I'm not God, but I think if you were to ask him, he would tell you....

You are worthy.

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